pjs and what ifs...

Ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in your pj's and do absolutely nothing? Welcome to my life the past couple of days!! I NEED A JOB ASAP!! I have been searching and patiently waiting for a phone call that would spark a bit of hope inside of me. Yesterday, I finally got that call. I have an interview on Monday with a bank not far from my house. My biggest worry and question I constantly asked myself in going into this whole deployment was “what do I do with my life at this point?” My family wanted me to move back home while Aaron was away, and he strongly encouraged it. Trust me; it wasn’t on my top list of things to do. Not because of my family, I love being with and around them, I just knew after being on my own for four years it would make it difficult moving back home. The first few weeks I struggled with feeling like I had lost my independence that I worked so hard to gain. I had formed my own little routine in life. Now, everything about that life was changing. Going to school was all I had known my whole life, now it was over. My best friend was gone and no longer a phone call away. I had no idea what I was going to do. The more people asked, the more confused I became. I was constantly fighting an inward battle, but I refused to let anyone see me fail. I knew I could do this. I knew I could pick up the pieces and move on. I knew God would help me figure it all out. When it came to finding a job, I had no idea what I wanted to do. I struggled with “do I just find something to keep me occupied for a year and half until Aaron gets home” or “do I find a career that expects me to be around for a long time”?  My head was constantly going back and forth. I knew the plans Aaron and I talked about, but those were a year away. When would we get married?  Where would we end up living? What if I find a job here and love it? What if, what if, what if…….

 This morning, lying on my floor crying like a little baby, I realized that I have been wasting my life on “what ifs” and uncertainties!! I still don’t know all the answers to my questions, and I probably won’t until Aaron comes home, and some I will never know. But, I can’t sit around and put my life on hold while he is away. I have to go about my life and know it will all fit perfectly together when he gets home. My phone will always be glued to my hand. My computer will never be far away. But, I have an overflowing amount of peace in my heart from the Lord and He has been so gracious and patient with me through this transition. He gave me this lifestyle because He knew I could handle it, only with his help. God has such a sense of humor sometimes.

I couldn’t have been blessed with a better soldier to go through this for. Sometimes, when I fail to be supportive because I’m too busy throwing a pity party for myself, he knows just what to say to bring me back to my feet. And he does it with grace. I tell him all the time, I would never do this for anyone else. We make a good team. I could go on and on about all the reasons I love that boy, but you may all fall in love with him too : ) But, the biggest and most important reason I fell in love with him was his heart. It’s golden. And, it’s the Lord's. I know I come second in his heart and life, and I’m okay with that! I may still have my moments and days where I just want to stay in my pj’s, but my eyes and head are a little clearer now. I will work hard at whatever I do and know, in the end, it will all work out just the way God planned it.