pjs and what ifs...

Ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in your pj's and do absolutely nothing? Welcome to my life the past couple of days!! I NEED A JOB ASAP!! I have been searching and patiently waiting for a phone call that would spark a bit of hope inside of me. Yesterday, I finally got that call. I have an interview on Monday with a bank not far from my house. My biggest worry and question I constantly asked myself in going into this whole deployment was “what do I do with my life at this point?” My family wanted me to move back home while Aaron was away, and he strongly encouraged it. Trust me; it wasn’t on my top list of things to do. Not because of my family, I love being with and around them, I just knew after being on my own for four years it would make it difficult moving back home. The first few weeks I struggled with feeling like I had lost my independence that I worked so hard to gain. I had formed my own little routine in life. Now, everything about that life was changing. Going to school was all I had known my whole life, now it was over. My best friend was gone and no longer a phone call away. I had no idea what I was going to do. The more people asked, the more confused I became. I was constantly fighting an inward battle, but I refused to let anyone see me fail. I knew I could do this. I knew I could pick up the pieces and move on. I knew God would help me figure it all out. When it came to finding a job, I had no idea what I wanted to do. I struggled with “do I just find something to keep me occupied for a year and half until Aaron gets home” or “do I find a career that expects me to be around for a long time”?  My head was constantly going back and forth. I knew the plans Aaron and I talked about, but those were a year away. When would we get married?  Where would we end up living? What if I find a job here and love it? What if, what if, what if…….

 This morning, lying on my floor crying like a little baby, I realized that I have been wasting my life on “what ifs” and uncertainties!! I still don’t know all the answers to my questions, and I probably won’t until Aaron comes home, and some I will never know. But, I can’t sit around and put my life on hold while he is away. I have to go about my life and know it will all fit perfectly together when he gets home. My phone will always be glued to my hand. My computer will never be far away. But, I have an overflowing amount of peace in my heart from the Lord and He has been so gracious and patient with me through this transition. He gave me this lifestyle because He knew I could handle it, only with his help. God has such a sense of humor sometimes.

I couldn’t have been blessed with a better soldier to go through this for. Sometimes, when I fail to be supportive because I’m too busy throwing a pity party for myself, he knows just what to say to bring me back to my feet. And he does it with grace. I tell him all the time, I would never do this for anyone else. We make a good team. I could go on and on about all the reasons I love that boy, but you may all fall in love with him too : ) But, the biggest and most important reason I fell in love with him was his heart. It’s golden. And, it’s the Lord's. I know I come second in his heart and life, and I’m okay with that! I may still have my moments and days where I just want to stay in my pj’s, but my eyes and head are a little clearer now. I will work hard at whatever I do and know, in the end, it will all work out just the way God planned it. 

from the west coast, to the beach, to the desert.

Well, I have a lot of catching up to do. The past few weeks have been full of adventures and travels to sadness and readjustments. I will never get used to having my best friend so far away from me and just in case anyone is wondering, time does not fly by when he is away. So, please stop telling me it will : ) Only kidding, but seriously that statement is the biggest joke ever!

                So, at the end of July I spent a few days in California with my handsome Uncle Jack. His graduation present to me was a trip to see him and the great sunny California. Upon my arrival it was raining and humid, which never happens. Of course, this Floridian was blamed for bringing the bad weather. It only lasted a day and then I was wearing sweaters every day. I was so envious of their gorgeous weather, wish I could have brought that back with me. It was four days packed full of good food, good company and beautiful sights. Our adventures consisted of:  walking down the Santa Monica pier, strolling down Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills, fighting the crazies down Hollywood Blvd, relaxing on the beaches of Malibu, driving through the valley and hanging out in the hills of Hollywood. And, of course he took me to a restricted area to get close to the Hollywood sign. But, my favorite part of the trip was getting to spend time with my uncle. He has always lived far away, visiting on holidays. So, it was nice to have good quality time with him and getting to know him more. I also got to spend time with his long time friend Sally and her dog, Duddly. It was defiantly and unforgettable trip! 

Beautiful Malibu

At the Hollywood sign : )

Capitol Records building 

Grauman's Chinese Theater

Then, it was home to unpack, do laundry, and pack again for a week at the beach with my Uncle Jeffrey, Aunt Angela and little cousins, Allison and Amy. It was a good time of relaxing and keeping my mind off Aaron being away.

                I try to stay as busy as possible, but not much keeps my mind of Aaron. I was doing okay while he was in Texas; it just felt like another trip to train and then he would be back. But, one phone call changed all of that. I am convinced there is absolutely nothing that could have prepared me for that phone call saying “we leave tonight”. I knew it probably wouldn’t hit me until he left for Afghanistan, but I wasn’t prepared to get hit with a ton of bricks. It’s hard to explain the feelings that went through me the next few days after he told me they were leaving. I took a few days to stop feeling anxious and a simple phone call from my soldier made it better. They made it there safely and for the first couple of days we were able to FaceTime and text via our iPad and iPod. Then they moved locations and our relationship turned into a high school Facebook messaging relationship...haha. I finally got a wakeup call this morning that started my day off perfectly. It was just what I needed; to hear his voice. This whole process isn’t easy at all, but, having someone so wonderful to wait for, makes it a little more tolerable. Life will not be so easy for the next several months without my best friend just a phone call away, but I have never experienced a peace inside my heart about anything like I feel right now. I know he is right where God wants him to be. I know he is doing what he knows in his heart is the right thing to do. I know he is coming home.

This is why I love him so much. I guess it is always good to have a gas mask on hand when you are surrounded by a bunch of me!

                Continue to keep him and his unit in your prayers. They will be doing some training for a few weeks before moving to their FOB. I guess that is when they will start getting into what they went there to do. I’m sure at that point I will experience a whole new set of emotions…bring it on!!

another week down.

Well, It goes without saying that I am obviously not good at this blogging thing! I forgot to post last weeks blog, so it's a 2 for 1 deal this week! Aaron's doing so much better, thank goodness. His fever finally broke, but he still has a nasty cough. Things are finally settling in for me that I won't get to see him in a few weeks or hug him for a year. I have become so used to being away from him for weeks and months at a time, that the reality of him being gone for a year didn't really hit me when he left. But, each week is just one week closer to holding him in my arms again. 3 weeks down, 49 or so more to go!! Pray for him this week as they really start doing things they will do overseas and that he continues to get better. Be looking out for the next blog, it will be all about my trip to the West Coast : ) Until then, maybe take some time out of your busy schedule and to love on someone who is hurting. Or, find a family with a deployed spouse/parent and see if there is anything you can do for them. You will be amazed what a simple phone call or card can do for someone going through a tough time <3

Short and sweet

I know I promised at least one post a week and I’m sorry for letting you all down. I know you sit by your computers anxiously waiting to read my super interesting blog : ) I had all four wisdom teeth cut out last Monday, so my days were spent lying in my recliner high as a kite while my wonderful mother took the best care of me. Her only mistake, giving me a bell, which I only rang when she posted my chipmunk picture of Facebook or when I needed more grits! But, I couldn’t be mad at her for the picture, she truly went above and beyond caring for me and taking care of my sweet (crazy) puppy, Chandler. My dad was great too, when he wasn’t trying to make me laugh, which was never because he thought it was funny to watch me hold my cheeks and try not to laugh because it hurt so badly. He really does love me, I promise! My Poppa made me a few of his famous chocolate milkshakes which are always wonderful and my grandmamma, well she just always makes everything better. It’s what grandmas do. Aaron always got to see me at my best. He is a couple hours behind me, so by the time we were able to facetime my drugs were in full swing, which made for some interesting conversations, much of which I don’t really remember. I was swollen and sore for several days, but things finally seem to be almost back to normal, thank goodness!!

                Now, for what really matters, my soldier. He is doing well. They are still in states training before they head over. It is extremely hot, so several have passed out during field trainings. Aaron had to have a small pox vaccination and the side effects are not necessarily convenient for things he has to do on a daily basis. He hasn’t felt well the past few weeks and the heat gives him pretty bad headaches. He isn’t able to take time off obviously and get the rest he really needs, so he rests when he can. It kills me not to be able to take care of him and I get angry with the Army for not giving him the time he needs to get better, but it is part of the job. Soldiers don’t get days off! So, please continue to keep him in your prayers and pray for healing so he can get the best training possible before he leaves. 

Off he goes...

I think this may be a very obvious statement, but this weekend was by far one of the hardest and most emotional few days I have ever experienced. I wrote in the first post how it seemed like there was nothing I could do to prepare myself for Aaron’s deployment, no matter how hard I tried. It’s kind of like taking your first test in a really hard class, with no study guide.  No matter how hard you study, you have no idea what to expect. The few days before we left for Crestview my nerves got the best of me. I was constantly sick to my stomach and my nights were sleepless. On Friday I wasn’t really sure how to feel. I was overly excited to see Aaron, but I knew what Saturday had in store for us. I thought maybe if I refused to pack then I couldn’t go, which meant he couldn’t leave, right? Or maybe we could just run away. It all sounded good to me…it sounded more like going to jail for him. So, once again the Army won. Aaron was released shortly after we arrived on Friday afternoon so we were able to spend the rest of the day together. He has always had this awesome way of making me laugh and smile even when I didn’t feel like it and this weekend was no exception. Friday night was also no exception to my sleepless nights, I think I racked up maybe three hours of sleep.

The day had finally come. The one day I had been dreading for the past year was here and there was nothing I could do to stop it. As I was lying in bed I started to think about the past two years of our relationship. It started off great, got pretty rocky and has been more than I could wish for the past several months. It took us both realizing what was up ahead. We decided that we didn’t have time to argue over the stupid stuff or focus on the negative. Instead we focused all of our attention on the love we had for each other and keeping our relationship centered on Christ. Of course we had our arguments over the major issues and at times I probably pouted more than I should have. If anyone ever tells me they have the perfect relationship with no arguments I tend to giggle…sounds like a boring relationship to me and they are probably in for a rude awakening when they get married. But hey, that isn’t my business. Anyway, I couldn’t even begin to think about not having my man around and being able to jump in my car and drive to Starke to see him. Honestly, I still haven’t let myself think too much about that, and I haven’t figured out if that is a good or bad thing. I finally forced myself out of the bed and got ready and headed off to the departing ceremony. The day was such an emotional rollercoaster. One minute I was crying then, the next, Aaron had me dying laughing. Every second I could be attached to him, I was. I decided not to pay attention to the time; I didn’t want to know the hours were counting down.  But, against my will, the time came.  It was time to say goodbye.  He said his goodbyes to his family and we walked to the door.  I didn’t really know how to feel. I have become so used to saying goodbye for weeks and a few months at a time, but this was different. I knew in my heart that it would be a year before I got to hug him again, but I didn’t want to accept it and I still don’t. I knew I had to let him go. I looked up at those big green eyes full of tears (don’t tell him I told), told him how much I loved him and simply asked for him to please come home. He promised, gave me one more kiss and then he was gone. I just stood there taking in all that was going on around me. I looked to my left were another girlfriend wouldn’t let go of her soldier as they both stood there crying. Beside them was a little girl screaming for her daddy. Little boys were being peeled off their daddy’s legs. Others were giving their final kisses. Mother’s were fighting back tears and staying strong as they had to hold back their children from running after their daddy. Parents and grandparents were holding on as long as they could. Grown men, the strongest men I have ever seen, were wiping tears from their eyes as they turned and walked away from their families. The next few minutes were a blur. We walked to the side of the road waving our flags as I watched his bus drive away. I just wanted to chase after him and beg him not to leave, but I know he is finally getting to do what he has always wanted to do and I would never ask him not to do something he is so passionate about. So I just ran to the Jeep, buried my head in my arms and cried like a little baby. I have had my moments, but I have tried to keep my thoughts positive and stay strong for Aaron, because I can't even imagine what he is going through right now!

Things Aaron said not to do while he was away:

1.       Do NOT cut your hair!

2.       Don’t die it weird colors or paint your nails black.

3.       Don’t get skin cancer from lying out too much.

I simply requested that he just come home! I guess I am trusted with everything except my hair and skin…haha!

I couldn’t have made it through this weekend without my wonderful mother.  She was right by my side every second.  She, Melissa and Mrs. Lisa even joined me in drowning my sorrows with ice cream!  It didn’t really help. I was overwhelmed by the love and support people have shown us through text and Facebook. You all will never know how much that means to me. Of course my father and family have done an amazing job keeping me happy. I have been able to facetime with Aaron the past few nights, but, we won’t know until next week if we can talk while he is training in the dessert before they go overseas. So, right now I just take it one day at a time. It’s one day closer to him being home. Until next time, keep God first, remember to always tell the ones around you that you love them, stop fighting about petty things, and don’t let the sun set on your troubles. 

Here goes nothin'

Well hi!! I have never been much of a blogger, but I am determined to stick with it this time. Well, at least for a year until my soldier gets home : ) Please don’t expect anything super interesting or humorous. My life it quite simple, some would probably think it’s beyond BORING…but I don’t mind it all!! My main purpose for starting this blog is to document the journey of the ups and downs of Aaron’s first deployment (I have a feeling there will probably be more downs). I had mentioned to him briefly in a conversation about possibly blogging while he was away and he loved the idea. It will be great for him to be able to get on and read how things are going on this side of the world when we aren’t able to talk.  Reality is that we won’t be able to skype everyday and sometimes even days at a time while he is on missions. A few people also suggested blogging so people could get an inside look at what it is like to be a military girlfriend. I am fully aware that what I am about to experience does not come close to what wives and mothers experience while their husbands are away. I am very thankful that I get to experience a deployment first before my children do, maybe it will be a little easier when that day comes, but I doubt it!! Enough of my rambling, I guess I should give a little background story of me and my soldier and answer the infamous question everyone wants to know…

Our Story

                It all started sometime in September of 2009. It seemed as if more people wanted Aaron and me to date then Aaron and April wanted to date. My girlfriends so sweetly reminded me daily that I need to “go after” the “Greek god” as they called him! But, I wasn’t much for chasing after boys, especially not at that point in my life. I don’t really know at what point things turned around for me, I guess it was that shaggy blonde hair, big green eyes and contagious smile : ) It had to be brought to my attention that he started coming around more and seemed to show up and my football and volleyball games. Of course, I just thought it was because he liked someone else. Being the shy folks we both seemed to be it took a while for things to start rolling, but with a little help from some wonderful friends our friendship started to grow stronger and stronger and at some point I started falling for the boy. On October 21^st he finally worked up the nerve to ask me out. I’m convinced there is no non-corny way for a boy to ask a girl to be his girlfriend, but it was cute and I couldn’t resist. Things were going great……until I got a call saying “hey, I joined the Army. I’m going to MEPS in two weeks!” WHAT? I knew from the beginning that the Army was a possibility; I just didn’t expect it to happen four months after we started dating. Right in the midst of one of the most important times of a growing relationship, he made one of the biggest commitments of his life, one that I had to decide to make with him or go on with my life. The next few months were the hardest of our relationship and by the time he left for boot camp we were hanging on by a thread. Boy, I am more thankful for boot camp a little more every day. One of the joys of the military and boot camp is letters! I wish people wrote letters more. Letters forced us to communicate, something we had become terrible at. I got to know Aaron in a completely different way in three months than I did in the 10 months we were together before he left. I think every couple, whether dating or married, should write and send letters to each other!! During that time God helped me realize that even though I had no idea what the future had in store for Aaron and me, I was ready to take this journey with him. I would be lying if I said it has been perfect since that point, but it has been a little easier. It’s hard having to share him with the Army, most of the time the Army wins!! But, one of the things that made me fall in love with him was his selflessness. No one forced him to sign up to serve in the Army, he knows full well what could happen to him, yet he still did it. That’s a man! Don’t get me wrong, not everyone is called to be in the military, and that makes them no less of a man or woman in my eyes. And not everyone is meant to be a military girlfriend or wife, trust me it isn’t the easiest thing I have ever done; to love a man who leaves for a months at a time! Our relationship is not perfect, we argue over the stupidest stuff and drive each other up the wall most of the time, but I would not trade Aaron for anyone in the world, even if it meant no more long distance relationship and no more Army. Through the loving grace of God and his perfect example of love, I have fallen completely in love with this boy!!

The Infamous Question

                Some people sweetly ask “When are you two love birds going to get married?” Others ask “Why don’t you have a ring on your finger?” like it is a bad thing we aren’t engaged or married yet. Yes, I know we have been together for over two and a half years and I do appreciate everyone’s opinions on when they think we should get engaged or married, but the only opinions that matter are ours :) I wish I could say this has always been my mindset and that I haven’t caused Aaron a little grief about the subject, but he has successful drawn me to be on the same page as him. Yes, we love each other. Yes, we talk about getting married and our future family. Yes, we plan on spending the rest of our lives with each other, Lord willing. No, neither will happen before he leaves. Sorry to disappoint you : ) There is so much more that goes into a marriage than just loving each other and being together for a long time. I am so thankful that I have been blessed with an amazing man that uses his head and will not marry me until he knows he can take care of me financially and emotionally. Girls, we are usually ready before they are, so give them time and be patient, they have a much bigger responsibility on their hands. to take care of us. than we realize.

                I have one simple request from all who would like to join us in our journey. PLEASE, please, please keep us in your prayers, Aaron more specifically. My biggest fear that I constantly have to surrender to the Lord is that I may never get to see his face again, feel his arms wrap around me or laugh at his stupid jokes…things I constantly take for granted. Pray for his safety and the safety of his unit. For peace of mind and solid, never faltering strength in his faith in Christ. For his family’s peace of mind.  And, for me. I’m scared, there seems to be nothingwe can do to prepare ourselves for this. But, I know we both have the most important and only thing that will get us through this…God!!